Oh by the way

I'm calling off my search for pervvy, shameful, doughy, cracked skin, cracked brain European men who forget or don't know that Suzie Wong was a 1960's hapa chick and think when they cup their hands together and say, wo mei you qian le! in the kind of accent that I don't see Chinese girls laughing at even though it's horrendously incomprehensible, or when they say "Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello," one more hello and that'll wet my shorts, just kidding scum-of-the-earth, or when they say, "I can only look at you, but I can't listen," or when they say, "Humma humma," that those sort of brilliantly thought out words, as brilliant as sitcoms with laugh tracks are to a stand up comedian, (Jerry Seinfeld I never liked you, Michael Richards, always knew you were a racist!) are going to attract them a nice Chinese honey with a flat ass and a burning desire for a man whose buttcrack has more depth than their daily thoughts--yeah, that search is off, because as of yesterday at 11:00 PM on New Year's Eve, I've found them all!

They were all milling around Xintiandi, drinking off their 400 rmb cover charge and smelling like my college boyfriend who didn't use deodorant, soap or shampoo because he believed in a 'natural smell', and talking like frat boys who were skinny in high school and got away with date raping girls, and then got fat in college, and then even fatter after college, and one of them waved this flashy gold thing at my cousin and I, and my cousin turned me to me and said, "How is it that sometimes you can just tell by looking at someone for a split second whether or not they're trashdirtscum? They don't have to speak, react, or breathe, and you know." And we sniffed at the air around us and had to put plugs up our nose as a result.

Phew, thought it would take a lifetime to find these sorts of delectable men, but turns out, it only took going to an Asian country--my motherland, of all places!